Sunday, 2 December 2018

My grandma in Nepal.

Dear readers

 I was contemplating whether I should start a new fresh blog full of optimism, hope, sincerity and work hard to improve and share my thoughts into the world. I then felt I am unashamed of who I was because I am who I am, this blog is my story. I go through mistakes, worries, happiness anger, pain as much as any one else, for me personally it would be interesting to see my progress as I moved on with life, from being an angsty writer to a more zen, happy person. I can't say that I know everything or what life has planned for me all I know is I am healthy, I have become to appreciate my family and friends and try to educate myself once again. This morning I felt inspired to write as I am currently reading Michelle Obama Becoming, she is an inspirational women with beautiful words, I cried listening to her tales of her friend and her fathers death. I am only on chapter 12 so I cannot give a full review but she has already got me hooked. Death is a strange thing even if you have already experienced death it's still painful and shocking, it puts me into perspective of how nature is always stronger then us and how precious our time is in this earth.

 Recently my grandma passed away, she was 106 I heard my uncle and dad say although none of us are sure all we know is she was older then 100 can you believe 100 years old? I have only lived quarter of my life if I am to live up to 100. Still I remember my dads hand shaking as he pretended to look put together, talking to people in Nepal about her funeral, from the outside he was joking about her and laughing but I knew how much he loved her all his conversation to Nepal would consists of looking after his mother. My dad couldn't go home to Nepal for almost 20 years! because of us and his work priorities, He saw his mum after 20 years!!!! I am thankful that he saw her last year with me, he could see her one last time and me too. I hadn't seen her for 11 years. It's weird to say but the day I left to go back to work in Korea I cried a lot and I said goodbye, in my heart I sort of knew I might not see her again because she was so old and couldn't remember who I was or where I was going or why I was crying. This is probably common to people who live abroad or for other Gurkha children. Well I want to say that my Grandma was a beautiful lady, she always sat and watched people at the veranda, and I was obsessed with buying Hajmola candy I would always ask her " Bhoju do you want some Hajmola?" she would always say yes. She always sang the same song over and over it was a song she used to sing when she lived in the village and had to cut rice fields I still remember the melody of her tune. She always thought I was my cousin since we both have the same voice and skin tone. She would randomly start crying thinking about her sons who have passed away. My grandma was amazing and so were my grandpas I want the world to know that.  I am sad but I know she has lived a wonderful long life and I just want to thank her for giving me, my family and me a chance to be here. Thank you.

 I get so caught up in myself sometimes I realise how selfish I had become specially after I arrived back from Japan, I was so used to living by myself and doing things my own way I was not comprising with my family. I rarely helped my mum or dad and I was always immaturely moaning about my circumstance of living back at home. But the longer I stay here I realise my role, I need to be the second anchor for my parents, maybe it is annoying at times I need to think outside of just myself and stop being selfish as an elder sister. I truly wish for my family to succeed and be happy, I hope my parents can live a good life, I hope my sisters will have a happy life. I think we were all spoilt by them and my mind was spoilt too, I probably didn't realise it but I will try to be a good daughter.  They have given up their whole world for us this is a small thing in comparison. My dad always tells me the importance of happy even through all through mums bickering he is very zen and doesn't cloud his mind with money or greed, if he has money he will give it if he needs it he will ask. He never values having money he values happiness over all, I know that they have always tried their best even through difficult circumstances and looking after three or more families. Both my dads brothers have died thus he looks after three families in total, my dad is the kindest man I know. He hasn't gone shopping for more then 10 years he wears the same clothes he has a box to keep all his things and he keeps up with four hormonal women. He is my Hero. I love my Mum too everyone always talks badly about her all my cousins and aunts because she shouts at them all the time yet it is her always secretly looking after all of them, it is her that helps them come out of their problems. I don't care about others opinions because I know the truth people sometimes cannot see true kindest it is not always through words but through actions maybe her words sound bitter but her actions are kind I wish they saw that more. But alot of people will take advantage of people it is sad but true but I always remind my self this ' Don't let others negativity change the way you view the world. Then they have won' I always view it how I want to and how I feel and I feel great today :)

 It's Christmas again in Uk I bought my three sisters some calendars to open, Christmas is always a really happy time in our family we celebrate it bigger then Dashain, I am sorry to say that as a Nepalese person but that's just how we grew up knowing and being around. My baby sisters birthday is also on Christmas day so it's extra special to us she will be 12 years old now how did this happen? how is she already not a child? I wish she was 6 years old again sometimes I watch old videos of her getting excited for christmas and opening her presents. I am thinking about making decorations for our home and getting excited over the thought of it. we never had lavished decorations or presents when I was younger I would buy them gifts from toy shops like small knick knacks which were less then a pound but my sister tells me those were her fondest memories. I used to buy presents to Mary saying its from Santa and she would get so excited we would go to sleep and I would tell them stories about the train and people who came to take good kids to North pole. I am studying again so I need to make things to sell for my university. I am also going on a trip to Budapest soon so pretty excited :) I am looking forward to 2019 I think it will be a good year.

Love you always grandma, my dads grandma is with the pink handkerchief. I will go to see my mums grandma I must I hope you do too.


Tuesday, 31 July 2018

Adjusting home after teaching in Japan and Korea

 It is a sunday 8 am I woke up at 7:16 am nooo, I have just been trying to adjust my life back in Uk, Its almost been a month but I am still adjusting it seems. I have been living in two of the most homogenous countries Korea and Japan so I feel a bit anxious returning home, they say you can get reversal culture shock. I am feeling it.  I wonder how many people must be coming back home after living abroad and feeling those feelings, Is there someone reading this perhaps I was trying to find blogs talking about it maybe to connect in some way, I feel for the ones who have lived away for so long, I had some teachers who were in Japan for more then 5 years can you imagine.

 Life back home always seems a little slow, the weather is 35 celsius plus and strange, my family is getting used to having everyone home, and going through arguments all the time. I think once you are all old its hard to live in one roof as everyone is very opinionated but hey I admire my sisters strength and power as a woman, better to be a strong woman I think. I woke up so early today I don't like that feeling it feels groggy.

 At this stage of my life I am pretty unsure what I should know or what I should do, Its great for people who really are going somewhere or doing something but everyone has their own path, I personally don't like to pressure myself so much. But the only thing I hate is feeling lazy, I want to be doing something but honestly as long as it made me happy that would be good. I am healthy, I am happy and even a loner I have learnt to amuse myself I do go through some slowwwwww loww days then I wonder what my mum must do all the time. The only thing I hate is if I could be helping someone or some cause and I am wasting my time on the internet or being brain washed. I love and hate the internet yes it has so much information so much power, we can link in to everyone of our family yet somehow I think social media has made the human race even more lonelier. I dunno if we didn't have it maybe we would actually force ourself to go out and socialise with strangers. Well I have to do something soon, my brain is wasting away, and I do miss traveling already, only the people who went through those things with you or did the same things understand I think.

 Anyway lately I love old school skits my sister shared some with me. This is what youtube was like just good funny skits before the beauty gurus took over. Hey but I do think about vlogging imagine vlogging your life 24/7 people watching you watch the computer hahhaa. I really like her comedy :D

Monday, 7 May 2018

Creating creativity,
my hands are numb
with doubt,
of the possibilities
that I could have run out,
evergreen greenery
emerald jewellery,
Jealousy of fantasy
of the future
 that could have been.
People breathing energy
through works that 
they were supposed to
I wish I could see
you and me,
I could see the potential
inside of me.

Doubt is a cruel word
mind is a stronger 
physical being,
psychologically tricking me
of the creating
hands that stopped 
to weave,
magical form
of mystery
curiosity didn’t stop
the man weep,
curiously making history
let it be known today
I will believe in my 

22:16 pm