Sunday, 17 December 2017


I am in Japan now, I had this sudden urge to listen to all my old youtube playlists, I remember finding beautiful music and loving when the notes would swim together in symphonies that melted my ears. I would run for those finds, I don't know why music always played a huge role in my childhood.

 lately I just needed a break from my usual brain numbing videos of Friends! I seriously think I watch this show because lets face it, the foreign world is a lonely world. I have seen this episode of black mirror where people just live in a box, watch tv shows daily, go to the gym to make energy to get money so they can continue living. I wont be surprised when the world does end up like this. The more time I spend in a capital world I realise how lonely or isolated human beings are becoming cooped in their cubicle. I cannot live this way I love to meet people, I love to communicate or know each others minds, hearts wisdom, laughter. I want to help someone maybe an old person or a lonely child at the orphanage. I want this to be my new year resolution help someone, anyone give love. The language barrier is a difficulty though since I am no where near Tokyo the out out outskirts of Japan has less foreign support.

 These days my life seems robotic It's been so long since I wrote here I feel awkward to even type, but I want to share my thoughts. I don't know why humans spend all their time worrying or in fear of doing something then realising how silly that fear or worry was the thing that isn't even real has so much power to stop our physical body. I want to be stronger because sometimes I do feel more anxious and it only seems to grow more. I just want to be creative but I am always stopping myself because of my fear right I know this, deep inside we all know who is stopping ourself, it's us.
 So I am gonna try yet again even if I stop myself I'll keep trying because I just know I just know that I am capable of this, maybe I need to be more polished and study more learn more create more connections but I can do this. This is all I have ever known or felt in my blood in my skin in my body in my dreams so no I cannot stop it. I needed to write it out too confirm myself also I do want to look back in the future and remember all the things I went through haha.

Well life is up and down as usual, I am afraid to get left behind but I realised my sister told me life isn't a race just go at your own pace and if it's making you happy just go with it. I will try.

Here are some music that gives me so much nostalgiaaaaa.

This song makes me think about romantic things and having a lover to go holiday with on a warm summer day sitting by the park reading a book or dancing aww.

Gorillaz were the first album I ever bought with my own money :D

literally always my fave Bombay bicycle club please come back some day.

Monday, 15 May 2017

families are crazy

OMGGGG literally I am so angry, I don't understand some people who haveeee crazyyy behaviours, who guilt trip me and make me feel like crap everyday, I am just sooo upset. I never get angry but sometimes it's just too much, I can't live like this in this place full of negativity. I fend off positive vibes and just to be around someone so negative who gives up, who ultimately depends on someone else for their happiness, and who literally only cares about money money money... MONEEEEYYYY!!! no it's not your family's happiness or your childs achievement, It's how much money you have in the bank how much richer you are then other peoplee!!!1 how muchhh someone has and how less we have!! even though we haveeee a houseeeee we have two houses in Ukkkkk we have food we have clothes ofcourse we don't have that much money cause no one is working except Dad and we rarely go anywhere! I never go out now cause I don't have any money but I don't care because I know there is something better coming! I will break from this hell hole, and I know I will be free soon! I just feel so crap because even trying to be positive is so hard at this house where i am consumed by negativity! are all families like this? is this what a family is???? because of this I don't want to be married and I don't want a husband and lately I feel like love is nothing sometimes I just hate it so much I ca't bear it! I just wish I could go somewhere outside of here just for a bit but I am waiting now. I have to feel constant guilt all my freaking life for being the oldest and not providing for this family!!!!!!!!! all my freaking lifeeeee when will someone give me a break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am just so angry I am stomping at this keyboard and no one is there to help me aaaaaaaaaa aniways I need to go and cry my anger out now I just hate hate hate hate hate this house only 10 more days. Be strong! ommmmm

Friday, 21 April 2017

Japanese dramas, hindi movie

Hello world

 I am here because I am so ill I have been cooped up in my room, trying to recover, when you are ill and your brain is clogged up you feel like you are in a dream, I feel so hazy so I dunno if I will remember what I did for these two days. Anyway I am in a better mood even if I am ill, It makes me realise how lucky it is to be healthy, after I am ill and I get better I feel so alive like yes lets get ready to explore the world. haha I am hating not working though I have made a big decision to move abroad again I think this time I want to live abroad for a while until I don't want to anymore, I don't want to be tied down by anything and I am so free right now I should take advantage of my freedom perhaps in the future I will be tied down. I thought this is my moment to live my life and fulfil my dreams, I am also learning some new languages and I can read Hiragana and Katakana which is the Japanese alphabet although Japanese also has Kanji which is the Chinese alphabet and consists of more then 2000 letter so I don't even know when to delve into that. Hiragana was pretty easy and Katakana is the same sounds but different letters, I think they use it more on English word that they need to say out such as hamburger, television etc. Well this time off makes me realise how long time is and how never ending it is, time is a man made creation and if we didn't have a clock it is just a giant long long long line it's pretty scary. The days seem dull when you don't have much to do but I want to try and learn more new things so that I am wiser and smarter at least that is better then nothing.

 I have actually been making some video vlogs I dunno if I should put it here for my memory, I want to capture my life, I need to be more proactive. I have been watching a new Japanese show called Beach boys I am in love with the whole old retro dramas mainly because it reminds me of the simpler days, when you were happy with the simple life and not everyone was go go go, I also like watching them rent videos from video rentals and do normal social things, I think now it's rare to live simply so I enjoy that I also enjoy their humour. They live by the beach and it's so beautiful that's my dream you know to live by the beach so I dream about that while I am watching it.

  I also finished another old drama which was soooo funny called Kekkon dekinai otoko, I absolutely love the main character Hiroshi abe. He is just such a unique person a loner but he loves it and he is socially awkward but he loves his life and he does what he likes to do and I felt like I could relate to him I definitely recommend this drama , I might watch it again it was sooo funny and soo interesting!!!!
Here is my favourite character!!!! His expressions alone are priceless.

And some Beach boys I love their photos seriously!

Another movie I watched was Dangal and it was incredible, inspiring and just wow amazing you know just thinking it is based in real life event, I nearly cried at the end. I love hindi movies so it just gives me goosebumps when something is this well written the artists that worked so hard for this movie I aplaud them even my little sister was so into it we were on our toes when they wrestled so I definitely recommend that too.

Well I will write more later I should rest for now I think I have the flu my two sisters had it first and now I got it it makes me whole body ache, sometimes I feel cold and sometimes really stuffy I am just trying to drink loads of water. Please give me strength god. Have a nice day :) Thank you.