Monday, 7 May 2018

Creating creativity,
my hands are numb
with doubt,
of the possibilities
that I could have run out,
evergreen greenery
emerald jewellery,
Jealousy of fantasy
of the future
 that could have been.
People breathing energy
through works that 
they were supposed to
I wish I could see
you and me,
I could see the potential
inside of me.

Doubt is a cruel word
mind is a stronger 
physical being,
psychologically tricking me
of the creating
hands that stopped 
to weave,
magical form
of mystery
curiosity didn’t stop
the man weep,
curiously making history
let it be known today
I will believe in my 

22:16 pm

Sunday, 17 December 2017


I am in Japan now, I had this sudden urge to listen to all my old youtube playlists, I remember finding beautiful music and loving when the notes would swim together in symphonies that melted my ears. I would run for those finds, I don't know why music always played a huge role in my childhood.

 lately I just needed a break from my usual brain numbing videos of Friends! I seriously think I watch this show because lets face it, the foreign world is a lonely world. I have seen this episode of black mirror where people just live in a box, watch tv shows daily, go to the gym to make energy to get money so they can continue living. I wont be surprised when the world does end up like this. The more time I spend in a capital world I realise how lonely or isolated human beings are becoming cooped in their cubicle. I cannot live this way I love to meet people, I love to communicate or know each others minds, hearts wisdom, laughter. I want to help someone maybe an old person or a lonely child at the orphanage. I want this to be my new year resolution help someone, anyone give love. The language barrier is a difficulty though since I am no where near Tokyo the out out outskirts of Japan has less foreign support.

 These days my life seems robotic It's been so long since I wrote here I feel awkward to even type, but I want to share my thoughts. I don't know why humans spend all their time worrying or in fear of doing something then realising how silly that fear or worry was the thing that isn't even real has so much power to stop our physical body. I want to be stronger because sometimes I do feel more anxious and it only seems to grow more. I just want to be creative but I am always stopping myself because of my fear right I know this, deep inside we all know who is stopping ourself, it's us.
 So I am gonna try yet again even if I stop myself I'll keep trying because I just know I just know that I am capable of this, maybe I need to be more polished and study more learn more create more connections but I can do this. This is all I have ever known or felt in my blood in my skin in my body in my dreams so no I cannot stop it. I needed to write it out too confirm myself also I do want to look back in the future and remember all the things I went through haha.

Well life is up and down as usual, I am afraid to get left behind but I realised my sister told me life isn't a race just go at your own pace and if it's making you happy just go with it. I will try.

Here are some music that gives me so much nostalgiaaaaa.

This song makes me think about romantic things and having a lover to go holiday with on a warm summer day sitting by the park reading a book or dancing aww.

Gorillaz were the first album I ever bought with my own money :D

literally always my fave Bombay bicycle club please come back some day.

Monday, 15 May 2017

families are crazy

OMGGGG literally I am so angry, I don't understand some people who haveeee crazyyy behaviours, who guilt trip me and make me feel like crap everyday, I am just sooo upset. I never get angry but sometimes it's just too much, I can't live like this in this place full of negativity. I fend off positive vibes and just to be around someone so negative who gives up, who ultimately depends on someone else for their happiness, and who literally only cares about money money money... MONEEEEYYYY!!! no it's not your family's happiness or your childs achievement, It's how much money you have in the bank how much richer you are then other peoplee!!!1 how muchhh someone has and how less we have!! even though we haveeee a houseeeee we have two houses in Ukkkkk we have food we have clothes ofcourse we don't have that much money cause no one is working except Dad and we rarely go anywhere! I never go out now cause I don't have any money but I don't care because I know there is something better coming! I will break from this hell hole, and I know I will be free soon! I just feel so crap because even trying to be positive is so hard at this house where i am consumed by negativity! are all families like this? is this what a family is???? because of this I don't want to be married and I don't want a husband and lately I feel like love is nothing sometimes I just hate it so much I ca't bear it! I just wish I could go somewhere outside of here just for a bit but I am waiting now. I have to feel constant guilt all my freaking life for being the oldest and not providing for this family!!!!!!!!! all my freaking lifeeeee when will someone give me a break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am just so angry I am stomping at this keyboard and no one is there to help me aaaaaaaaaa aniways I need to go and cry my anger out now I just hate hate hate hate hate this house only 10 more days. Be strong! ommmmm