Monday, 15 May 2017

families are crazy

OMGGGG literally I am so angry, I don't understand some people who haveeee crazyyy behaviours, who guilt trip me and make me feel like crap everyday, I am just sooo upset. I never get angry but sometimes it's just too much, I can't live like this in this place full of negativity. I fend off positive vibes and just to be around someone so negative who gives up, who ultimately depends on someone else for their happiness, and who literally only cares about money money money... MONEEEEYYYY!!! no it's not your family's happiness or your childs achievement, It's how much money you have in the bank how much richer you are then other peoplee!!!1 how muchhh someone has and how less we have!! even though we haveeee a houseeeee we have two houses in Ukkkkk we have food we have clothes ofcourse we don't have that much money cause no one is working except Dad and we rarely go anywhere! I never go out now cause I don't have any money but I don't care because I know there is something better coming! I will break from this hell hole, and I know I will be free soon! I just feel so crap because even trying to be positive is so hard at this house where i am consumed by negativity! are all families like this? is this what a family is???? because of this I don't want to be married and I don't want a husband and lately I feel like love is nothing sometimes I just hate it so much I ca't bear it! I just wish I could go somewhere outside of here just for a bit but I am waiting now. I have to feel constant guilt all my freaking life for being the oldest and not providing for this family!!!!!!!!! all my freaking lifeeeee when will someone give me a break!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I am just so angry I am stomping at this keyboard and no one is there to help me aaaaaaaaaa aniways I need to go and cry my anger out now I just hate hate hate hate hate this house only 10 more days. Be strong! ommmmm

Friday, 21 April 2017

Japanese dramas, hindi movie

Hello world

 I am here because I am so ill I have been cooped up in my room, trying to recover, when you are ill and your brain is clogged up you feel like you are in a dream, I feel so hazy so I dunno if I will remember what I did for these two days. Anyway I am in a better mood even if I am ill, It makes me realise how lucky it is to be healthy, after I am ill and I get better I feel so alive like yes lets get ready to explore the world. haha I am hating not working though I have made a big decision to move abroad again I think this time I want to live abroad for a while until I don't want to anymore, I don't want to be tied down by anything and I am so free right now I should take advantage of my freedom perhaps in the future I will be tied down. I thought this is my moment to live my life and fulfil my dreams, I am also learning some new languages and I can read Hiragana and Katakana which is the Japanese alphabet although Japanese also has Kanji which is the Chinese alphabet and consists of more then 2000 letter so I don't even know when to delve into that. Hiragana was pretty easy and Katakana is the same sounds but different letters, I think they use it more on English word that they need to say out such as hamburger, television etc. Well this time off makes me realise how long time is and how never ending it is, time is a man made creation and if we didn't have a clock it is just a giant long long long line it's pretty scary. The days seem dull when you don't have much to do but I want to try and learn more new things so that I am wiser and smarter at least that is better then nothing.

 I have actually been making some video vlogs I dunno if I should put it here for my memory, I want to capture my life, I need to be more proactive. I have been watching a new Japanese show called Beach boys I am in love with the whole old retro dramas mainly because it reminds me of the simpler days, when you were happy with the simple life and not everyone was go go go, I also like watching them rent videos from video rentals and do normal social things, I think now it's rare to live simply so I enjoy that I also enjoy their humour. They live by the beach and it's so beautiful that's my dream you know to live by the beach so I dream about that while I am watching it.

  I also finished another old drama which was soooo funny called Kekkon dekinai otoko, I absolutely love the main character Hiroshi abe. He is just such a unique person a loner but he loves it and he is socially awkward but he loves his life and he does what he likes to do and I felt like I could relate to him I definitely recommend this drama , I might watch it again it was sooo funny and soo interesting!!!!
Here is my favourite character!!!! His expressions alone are priceless.



And some Beach boys I love their photos seriously!




Another movie I watched was Dangal and it was incredible, inspiring and just wow amazing you know just thinking it is based in real life event, I nearly cried at the end. I love hindi movies so it just gives me goosebumps when something is this well written the artists that worked so hard for this movie I aplaud them even my little sister was so into it we were on our toes when they wrestled so I definitely recommend that too.

Well I will write more later I should rest for now I think I have the flu my two sisters had it first and now I got it it makes me whole body ache, sometimes I feel cold and sometimes really stuffy I am just trying to drink loads of water. Please give me strength god. Have a nice day :) Thank you.

Sunday, 5 March 2017

misery

Hello I am back here once again, I am sorry I only think of writing when I am feeling overwhelmed with feelings. I always imagine someone will read my blog and feel the same way perhaps in the future and in some way we will connect, that would be cool. Well these days I am lost even more so then I was before, I came back to England in September and since then I haven't worked, I did some internship for this fashion company but honestly I didn't feel that creative in that job so I was confused at what I was trying to do there. These days I feel I am loosing even more and more confidence in my self and in my ability, I don't know why, I feel afraid of  a lot of things and I feel so much anxiety all the time, It's kind of consuming my thoughts and I don't know how I can overcome from it. I think I am a really habitual person and to break from my habit of working I somehow feel useless and non existence like no one would even notice if I am gone, that kind of feeling. It's so strange, I wish I had some one to listen to me sometimes I imagine those old radios where people would speak softly about stories in Nepal and I used to listen to it when I was little, I would think there were people inside telling me stories and the woman would always speak so nicely as if we are sitting by a cosy fire. Well yes I imagine someone is listening to my thoughts because sometimes I feel like one person in this giant earth, so alone.

 Well I do go through a series of mood swings so I cant understand my own emotions, but these are my thoughts these days, our house our family they are all become sooo consumed in the internet that no one speaks a word, everyone sits in front of all of their gadgets, dad has his laptop mum has her phone my sisters have their tablets and I have my laptop and we all sit in different rooms not talking. Today was Sunday and I didn't speak a word nor did anyone else I don't even know what my sister did. I think when I was in Korea I forgot what the reality is and I dreamt up some imaginary life of a family and hoped to come back to it and be so happy and walk together in the evening talking about things as we held hand in hand, yet it is far form that, my mum and dad never want to do anything with me or any of us, my dad is zombified by the laptop, my mum makes a million excuses to how much she hates her life, everyday I feel further away from my sisters and I am alone at my room brainwashed by shows as well. I haven't created or made anything.

So I sometimes want to throw away all our gadgets or cancel all our internet I wish I could just break all our gadgets and put it on fire. I think when I have my own child I wont have internet at my house. I want to have a house where there is electricity but you have to cut wood to make fire to heat up the rooms and there is no internet, or minimum usage or you can go to the library. I want my house to be really cosy and really earthy full of nature made out of wood or mud with open windows so you can see everything around you. Then I would grow lots of fruits and vegetables and make food out of them like, chutney or dried fish, dried leaves gundruk or kimchi make powder out of rice and soybeans and make yogurt, cheese myself I would make all food handmade with the fire and cook sweet potatoes, then have a little dog a really fluffy cute dog who follows me and loves me. I would love that so I am dreaming of my future as I lay stuck in this horrible mess that has become my life. But you know when I imagine my future I am filled with hope and happiness I know something good will happen. I just feel so confused about my job thats all. I do love teaching and i loveeeee children they make me happy everyday no matter what and I know I am good at teaching I can help them and I can learn more things about myself. I have to be strong and carry on. Well thank you for tuning to my news I feel better after I wrote down everything, goodbye for now :).