is life all for love?
i dont know,


how can there be so many people around me. yet i am the most loneliest person i know.
everyone closest to me that i ever loved always leave me behind. my best friend she was everything i wasnt, she was so full of life, so happy she had the biggest smile that made anyone happy, she definately should have been a colgates ad model , she was so confident so clever, seeing life through her eyes made this world look like some technicolour dreamland, everyday became such fun, she was always there for me, once she cried seeing me cry, but because of me she left me, because i am so stubborn in my ways we left it so long that it was too late to apologize, and now there is no one. and i miss those days . it hurts me alot i miss her alot but honestly i can never say how i feel because ill only add sadness in her life i will only burden her she is so happy, without me, so i am happy.

i am scared of pain yet its the only feeling i know of.

my first love was someone i loved for a long long time and to be finally with him it was really a dream come true. every little thing about him made me so happy because to me he was all i needed he was everything. but sadly loving someone is sometimes just not good enough. my love wasnt good enough. i am sorry it was my first love so maybe i didnt know how to love you but i loved from every little corner of my heart i loved you so much and i was so scared of loosing you, that maybe somehow i ended up pushing you.

but just like everything it ended like some storm it came it crashed my world and passed me by in such a hurry my heart forgot to start beating. i wont lie i am deeply wounded perhaps more so then i ever thought i would be. i think it made me see that actually it is me i am the cause i push people away i push everyone away. its funny really my existence. its funny cause its so pointless. i feel dead already still my body keeps breathing. how god damn funny. HAHAHAHAHAHA

i loved my dad but now all i feel is hate. just once i wanted to hear them say that sanjita you are doing good i am proud of you. live your life as you i support you fully. we love you we love you a lot.
but i ask too much. its ok dad mum its ok because i have so much love from everywhere else loosing your love wont effect me at all. its ok. its ok.



i always thought if you did good, good things will happen to you
maybe i did alot of bad things thats why everything bad is coming at me all at once.

SO I DESERVE THIS.
I DESERVE PAIN
I DESERVE HURT
I DESERVE TO CRY
TO SUFFER
TO BE ALONE

everythng pisses me off i feel like honestly i need a good big big big bottle of drink. PLEASE.