Tuesday, 7 October 2014

dear someone

i remember starting this blog when i was so young maybe 17 i dont know.. it helped me alot actually i was going through so many phases so many emotional ups and down , when i look back it seems so miniscule but at the time it was like i was carrying everything on my shoulders. i know that adults look at teenagers and think they have nothing to worry about they are having a awhaleee of a time when infact i think you are more pressured at that time then any other time especially if you come from an asian background like me where everything is about studying to becoming doctor scientist etc. at that time i hated my parents for pressuring me so much i couldnt bear it the idea of no self control of having everything drawn for you it scared me to death, i am someone who ultimately loves to control my own destiny or i just like to do things for myself. but i also fear my own power or ideas or perhaps i dont believe in them enough. i am still trying to figure it all out!

i wish somebody told me what to do after you graduate though, i graduated now but right now it just seems like a word on a paper i dunno if it holds anything to me. i mean its just something everyone wants you to do graduate..graduate...graduate!!! but no one tells you how to be an adult. i feel like i dunno how to be an adult, is that weird? i am still living home i am still addicted to my sisters and miss them whenever i leave and have to hurry back home, its because mary my little sister is too cute and i just misssss her terribly and kanti my other sister we just have the best chatsss the funniest the deepest the realest. my other sister has left for uni i wish her all the best she has gone for 7 years now studying architecture i will miss her but i am proud of her i hope she finds what shes looking for. i feel like we are always trying to find ourselves hoping to catch a glimpse of our real self, maybe we get so lost in between the lines..... i dont know if i caught or gained something i am not, whilst trying to grow up. like being brain washed i know it seems ridiculous but i keep changing so much i feel like who was the real me or perhaps i should just learn to accept every bit is part of me and i must have some personality disorder yes that explains everything!!!! i am like jim carey in that movie where he has two personality me myself & irene!!

i think in my honest heart all i want is to find happiness in helping others who are less fortunate then me,, i feel like i got this oportunity to study here and now i have some knowledge that perhaps i could teach little kids in nepal my home country. i wanted to teach in pahad village that my mum dad lived in but they tell me that all our relatives have moved to kathmandu or madesh dharan so there is no one there. my mum fears going to nepal so much she thinks i will get kidnapped or too many mosquitos or ill get sick so she wont let me go but i have told her plenty of times that i want to live in nepalll!!!!!! i dont know i miss it i miss being in a place where i can say yes i am from here or people not have to always ask me where i am from where i am from i can just be i am from here you know that feeling this is where you belong this is where you were born its a part of you you are a part of it,, i think i crave that the most. ofcourse uk is my home too but clearly i am asian and even now i will get some remarks from strangers reminding me m nt english.. my passport says m british but m not if i go nepal i have to pay to stay there so m not nepalese citizen either this is the sadness of army kids life we have no identity we are foreign everywhere. all i ever wanted was a sense of belonging!!! maybe of use. i am just having a rant because my mum is always so negative abt me going to nepal but i wont give up on my dream.

i feel like its so closeeee i just wish i could wake up and be in a airplane going to nepal but i dunno when that will happen if it does i will surely make a vlog or blog abt it :)

oh and i also really want to teach the kids in monastries its just so peaceful and i love religious places buddhist or hindu i find it really spiritual and soothing and i love knowing the good lessons that religion teaches you. i love the sounds aswell of hymns its so pleasant.

aniways other then that i have been watching alot of movies alottt!!!! and here are some you must must watch it was life changing and so awakening for me. i dont know if everyone feels this way but i feel like a good movie can change your perspective or make you feel touched warm and appreciate the beauty of the movie, of human emotions and kindness. its just like a moving art really and these movies were just stunning.

First is Belle et sebastian this is a french movie directed by Nicholas vanier, every inch of the frames are so beautiful the setting they have picked wow its what i dream paradise to be and i wish i lived like this!! the boys acting is so indearing and his smile just melts your heart and the dog is so loyal and just beautiful. please watch it when you are free :)

next movie is Blue is the warmest colour this is also a french film and the plot is just beautiful its about a love story between two girls its heart breaking, its real, its raunchy ,its raw the way they have shot it i love it! the acting was incredible there are few explicit scenes but it all adds into the passion the deepness of the love i thought it was a great movie!! must watch!!

another film was dark shadows this is so funny i just love jhonny depp in al his movies he is incredible tim burton is unbeliavbly creative he is a genious really and his movies are so animated yet so realistic at the same time.

and ofcourse fault in our stars which was one of the most beautiful love story i think i cried a river!! it was such a pure love like the ones you just want to capture ,,and love you think you will marry when u are old that kind of young love, it just reminded me to appreciate the people around you to love and to enjoy life you know here are these kids who have cancer yet they are so brave so unfearful of love and so passionate and caring and loving i think so many people today fear love and sit back but you just gotta go for it you know you dunno what the future holds but today it could be beautiful if you let it.

it feels really good to share my thoughts :) :) i wish you all happy dashain and love and happiness in everything you are doingxxx