today is sunday 8 november 2015

i dunno what i should write, but i miss writing i think about those memories when i was a kid and i would write on my dairy, the dairy named tommy, i would pour my heart out and talk about the problems that were so huge to me then, i would cry when i realised my mum n dad would read them. but now i can’t even remember those problems. its funny growing up you never realise when you stopped being a kid and when you became an adult what was that line, was it a visible path or i never quite knew. i think i was just waiting to find myself and as a kid i thought year 10 was so old after year 10 i thought i would have my life figured out. and now i have finished university and am working as an english teacher in korea. and i  just went through a break up a breakup that happened so quickly it was like it never even existed.like my love was never anything real, its something in the past and the past is something untouchable unhuggable unlovable, i always question whats the point thinking about the past, it doesn’t even exist now how can we spend so much of our time worrying about something that doesn’t exist, but its easier to say then to make yourself believe, i dunno too many thoughts. i always think i will marry my boyfriend everytime i date someone i feel this huge love and comfort and i feel wow this is the guy for me but somehow it horribly goes wrong its either me running away or the guy running away. i don’t know what all these means i dunno if i will find my soul mate, i do feel scared and vulnerable i think ill be left alone, everyone around me will be married and have kids and ill be alone, all i ever want is to get married and have children and have a family of my own and to be loved to love someone so much to love someone more then myself to live for someones happiness. 

love is something so beautiful to me, even though i feel heart breaks and breakups keep happening i never give up on love. in my eyes love is what makes the world go round and without it i don’t know what i should strive for. but people always judge a girl and i am forever wrong to love being in love but i don’t care. i live for myself and no one else someone can judge me but at the end are they the ones living my life??are they the one that will feel my happiness or sadness or my loneliness no. so i do it all for myself. 

i realised as i grew up how much my parents mean to me and how much that feeling has changed when i was a teenager rebelling against them always trying to run away to my friends. but now all i want to do is cuddle them and be with them and treasure them and look after them always love them help them in everyway i can. if i cannot find a love to marry i will be by my parents side forever they are the biggest love i could ever ask for. i hope i always treasure each moments with them because they made me who i am they gave up their life to look after me my sisters they gave up everything. i had this realisation when i left to korea to work. i thought of how dad must have felt to leave his whole family behind to work in uk so much pain yet having to be strong for the family because he knew if he didn’t go he couldn’t make money in a poor country of nepal at the time. so he gave up all his comfort he sacrificed everything to make money for his family and for my mum even though they had married he left for uk for her. now i respect them a lot they are the most kindest and beautiful human being in the world. i believe in god and i think my parents are my true god they give me everything and more. so for now at this age of 24 i feel a lot of love. i am single yet so full of love most love i could have for my family and it feels me up. thank you.