Saturday, 19 December 2015


i always knew i was different, different from all my friends even as a young kid, i was always the odd one the hippie or the one who dressed wierd, i always liked to thrift shop and wear weird clothes it never bothered me that it was someones old clothes or the owner had died, and i felt so comfortable in those clothes but now i dont kno who i am. still i know this i am still so different, i never feel like i am anything normal i try to be but inside i feel like i am screaming because it is not me, this is not me i keep thinking, along the way i kept changing for people to like me or maybe my boyfriend i want to be preety and girly for them i am girly naturally but even dress girly more like a normal girl, and now i just dress so normal actually when i see myself i cant recognise my self. today i looked at all my old photos and i was reminiscing on my youth, the youth i could never bring back, i suddenly felt so sad i almost cried, so many people have came and gone from my life, it makes me see even more how strange i am because i cannot keep in contact with many even though i miss them but its too far beyond the line no body cares, my best friends act like nothing what can anyone say, nohing. people always fear so much to say what they want i notice it more as i stay here everyone is scared to speak incase someone thinks somethign bad of them or soem judgement is made, people are so afraid to tell each other they miss each other lets go back lets meet, people are so afraid and i am so afraid because it could never be the same although i feel depressed sometimes so i want to talk.

but in a way i feel sad for those lost moments because of myself my selfishness and my inability to keep in contact. aniwys the point is i just realise on daily basis i am so strange and i never fit in anywhere wherever i go i never feel i fit in i am just the odd nepalese born british girl whose a hippie at heart but has too many sensitive issues but likes to joke and laugh and likes all wierd things that no body cares about anymore and i struggle to find my passion and i am always scared to be alone but always end up pushing everyone away so i end up alone anyway. i speak too much and say too many things so people always assume i am careless and dumb,i guess i am like that but really i love when i see something innocent something beautiful to me is a child they are so beautiful they never judge u they just love u no matter what. i never want to change for someone else and if no one likes me or think i am strange then i dont need to know them. i want to empower young girls they do not need to be the same as everyone its so ridiculous be who you want to be not who the media portrays you should be.

i am fighting over my life career and what i should do i have many htings to balance not only the fact i seem to have no confidence in my art and i critic myself so much so i cannot put out any work i am afraid of failure of mockery and of dissapointing others and myself, i am afraid of embarrasment and i am afraid to actually be poor and have no income and live with no food. i am afraid that what if i suddenly wake up and its not my dream afterall and i gave up my good job good pay everything. but somehow i feel i need to be artist or creative job i cannot not be creative it is something in my heart in my blood in my hands in my veins i am always feeling so empty because my hands were made to create and my brain was made to be creative. i think as more time i spend alone i am finding myself more so i relaly really appreciate coming here to live alone.

although i wont lie sometimes i am lonely

i know i make mistakes when i write but i really dont care these are my personal thoughts i just write as i am thinking this helps me release al my thoughts and put them in perspective and i can see what it is i really want. all i dream about is going to london n my hometown i love uk :) i miss da air the rain the tea the bread the different types of people the language and being able to understand everything i miss that alot.  i was listening to this beautiful song that helped me realise many things and actually made me feel so emotional :) byeee
Grow by Frances