Hello I am back here once again, I am sorry I only think of writing when I am feeling overwhelmed with feelings. I always imagine someone will read my blog and feel the same way perhaps in the future and in some way we will connect, that would be cool. Well these days I am lost even more so then I was before, I came back to England in September and since then I haven't worked, I did some internship for this fashion company but honestly I didn't feel that creative in that job so I was confused at what I was trying to do there. These days I feel I am loosing even more and more confidence in my self and in my ability, I don't know why, I feel afraid of a lot of things and I feel so much anxiety all the time, It's kind of consuming my thoughts and I don't know how I can overcome from it. I think I am a really habitual person and to break from my habit of working I somehow feel useless and non existence like no one would even notice if I am gone, that kind of feeling. It's so strange, I wish I had some one to listen to me sometimes I imagine those old radios where people would speak softly about stories in Nepal and I used to listen to it when I was little, I would think there were people inside telling me stories and the woman would always speak so nicely as if we are sitting by a cosy fire. Well yes I imagine someone is listening to my thoughts because sometimes I feel like one person in this giant earth, so alone.
Well I do go through a series of mood swings so I cant understand my own emotions, but these are my thoughts these days, our house our family they are all become sooo consumed in the internet that no one speaks a word, everyone sits in front of all of their gadgets, dad has his laptop mum has her phone my sisters have their tablets and I have my laptop and we all sit in different rooms not talking. Today was Sunday and I didn't speak a word nor did anyone else I don't even know what my sister did. I think when I was in Korea I forgot what the reality is and I dreamt up some imaginary life of a family and hoped to come back to it and be so happy and walk together in the evening talking about things as we held hand in hand, yet it is far form that, my mum and dad never want to do anything with me or any of us, my dad is zombified by the laptop, my mum makes a million excuses to how much she hates her life, everyday I feel further away from my sisters and I am alone at my room brainwashed by shows as well. I haven't created or made anything.
So I sometimes want to throw away all our gadgets or cancel all our internet I wish I could just break all our gadgets and put it on fire. I think when I have my own child I wont have internet at my house. I want to have a house where there is electricity but you have to cut wood to make fire to heat up the rooms and there is no internet, or minimum usage or you can go to the library. I want my house to be really cosy and really earthy full of nature made out of wood or mud with open windows so you can see everything around you. Then I would grow lots of fruits and vegetables and make food out of them like, chutney or dried fish, dried leaves gundruk or kimchi make powder out of rice and soybeans and make yogurt, cheese myself I would make all food handmade with the fire and cook sweet potatoes, then have a little dog a really fluffy cute dog who follows me and loves me. I would love that so I am dreaming of my future as I lay stuck in this horrible mess that has become my life. But you know when I imagine my future I am filled with hope and happiness I know something good will happen. I just feel so confused about my job thats all. I do love teaching and i loveeeee children they make me happy everyday no matter what and I know I am good at teaching I can help them and I can learn more things about myself. I have to be strong and carry on. Well thank you for tuning to my news I feel better after I wrote down everything, goodbye for now :).